


Christmas Kisses

by Caffeine_addict



Series: Silly baristas [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Christmas Eve, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Party, Christmas Shopping, Fluff, Kissing, Loki (Marvel)-centric, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Shopping, this got out of hand
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-14 08:53:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13004214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caffeine_addict/pseuds/Caffeine_addict
Summary: This is a second part of a series, but you don't need to read the first one to understand it. It works pretty well as a stand alone. Just know that Loki used to hate autumn, but then was cured by Tony who became his bf that conveniently hates Christmas and Loki decides to return the favour. But sneakily.





	1. Sneaky Warfare

“You know in my days advent calendars were chocolate and not tiny bottles of alcohol.” Tony said as Loki opened his and out popped a tiny bottle of Whisky.   
“I have that one too.” 

“You have two advent calendars?” Tony asked incredulously. Wasn’t the whole point of this to be patient and be rewarded for it? Having two went against the whole ideology. 

“Well, one for chocolate and one for gifts.” Loki looked at Tony, did he not do that? He knew plenty of people who had more than one. Just the other day Jane said that Darcy got her three because she couldn’t choose. 

“Do you not do that?” 

“I don’t even have one. I would always eat the chocolate on the first day and then it was gone, so I gave up when I was 10.” 

“Well then I am very sorry for getting you one.” Loki pulled a giant green box from behind the couch and offered it to his boyfriend. 

Tony was touched, even if he didn’t believe in them, it was nice to be remembered. He kissed his boyfriend (that was a very exciting word for him). Their relationship was doing so well, and barely suffered when Tony upgraded from being a barista to CEO. It turned out that he wanted to keep annoying Loki and had no issues calling him 7 times a day to say hi. 

“I hate you. This is too sweet.”

“You destroyed my autumnal gloom and I fully plan to chase away your scrooginess.” 

“Is there a Loki patented plan?” He perked up immediately. 

Loki gave it a quick thought. “Yes. It is called sneaky warfare. I will make you warm inside when you least expect it.” He gave a quick peck to Tony’s cheek.   
Tony observed his giant calendar. It was full of expensive candles and was by far the best advent calendar he ever had. Chocolate be damned, this was a new candle every day!

“Seems rude.” 

“Deal with it. Besides the worst thing that can happen to you, is watching Love Actually.”

“That seems punishment enough.” 

“Punishment for being a scrooge? I agree.” Loki knew that Christmas films were bad and worse, but never actually good. Still, there was no need to drag Simon Curtis like that. 

“Why do I have to go to work? And work that does not involve making coffee?” 

“Because you had the ‘so called misfortune’ to be born as you.” 

“Pepper is freaking out. Well, panicking might be a better term. Or experiencing anxiety at the thought that I might actually be in charge of something. It seems that we both remembered why I was never a great CEO.” With Pepper getting more and more pregnant every day it was vital that Tony learnt the ropes fast, if he wanted to successfully run his company while she was on maternity leave. The last thing he wanted was to call an already tired Pepper to help him deal with a situation his uninhibited tongue created. 

Tony was waiting for Loki to get dressed so they could go out. Right now, he was running about the house getting god knows what. Tony was unsure what their plans were – Loki just called him and said let’s go outside I’m bored. For all he knew he was being sneaky and prepared a surprise Christmas attack. Fuck, his apartment was already decorated. He even had a Christmas tree. A fully decorated one. Tony wasn’t particularly surprised to see it was decorated with silver and green baubles. There was an occasional fun bauble – Kylo Ren found his way on it, as did the Doctor. 

“Hello, Luna. Do you know where your dad is?” Luna, Loki's cat, had no problems with Tony, if anything, she liked his lack of kissing sounds. She gave an uncommitted sound. 

“Thought so too.”

Loki showed up with a nice dark green coat and his usual black satchel. Tony wondered what he was carrying around. 

“Shall we go?” He nodded and the headed out into the cold.

Tony and Loki made it to city centre, where all the prettiest decorations are. Unfortunately, it is also where all the shops are. Loki was doing some serious window shopping. One good thing about not having much friends was that he needed to buy much less presents. And more for himself. He needed two for Evan, two for Sif, three for his mother, one for his father, some chocolate for Darcy and Jane who got everyone at the café a present last year, one for Thor and then Tony.   
“Do you want to go in?” Tony asked his bf. He’s been staring at the same book for two minutes. “I wanted to go see the skating ring.” Said Loki. “If we go in now, I’ll begin my Christmas shop and you will regret that.” 

“Is there a chair for me?” Tony asked joking. 

“Don’t be that boyfriend. I need your opinion.” 

“It was a joke?” Loki kissed him. “It better be.” He murmured against his lips. 

Loki narrowed his choice to two cookbooks. One was by the Hairy Bikers and the other one was on Indian cuisine. 

“Can I get away with buying one for myself?” Loki asked Tony who was reading a recipe book for cocktails. 

“Yes.” 

“Damn it. I hoped you would say no. Now I have to get three.”

“I know what you mean, I came to help you and here I am about to buy a book.” The boys paid an extortionate amount for what was really a compilation of pictures and occasional text. 

“Why do I do this to myself? I never make anything new.” Tony wished he understood Loki’s agony more. He was not one to cook. Alcohol, on the other hand, was always welcome in his house.

“I’ll annoy you into making something new?” 

“I suppose that is also an option. I would prefer if you wouldn’t annoy me, in general, but…” Loki tried to finish the sentence. “Yeah, I got nothing.” 

“So, less annoying self?” Tony recapped.

“You’re not annoying, that’s the point.” 

Tony stopped in his tracks. 

“That is the first time anyone has ever said that to me.” 

“I’ll make sure to say it more then.” They walked into another store – this one was more Tony’s territory; his heart even sped up. It was full of video games. 

“Don’t let me buy anything.” 

“I already know what I need to get, so I just won’t let you browse.”

Loki stopped an assistant and together they found the last remaining copy of The Last of Us. Tony’s eyes still wondered, but his boyfriend was true to his word and discarded a game that Tony nearly got to the cashier. 

“I would have played that.” He pouted. 

“Yes, once.” 

“Still counts.”

“Can we get some drinks now? I was promised mulled wine.” The pair headed for the Christmas market. Loki kept a reasonably calm exterior, but inside he was overjoyed. Not only did they just do Christmas shopping – a necessary evil and generally seen as everything wrong about Christmas, but they were actually having fun.   
And since it was Monday, it wasn’t horribly crowded outside. Had it been, Loki would probably become a Christmas maniac and mentally impale people on over-sized candy canes. And then laugh like a maniac. 

“Sure. Important question: are you the kind of person that drinks one slowly and somehow ends up smashed?” 

“I can handle my warmed-up alcohol.” Tony assured him. “But can you?” 

“Only if I have just two.” Loki was not the kind of lightweight that would have a drink and then be hungover for two months, but the kind that could drink a lot, much more than the normal people, provided he spaced them out evenly. 

“That must be a hard life to lead.” 

“Not really, I am a slow drinker of warm things. But a very fast drinker of cold.”

“I love all this unnecessary information. And by unnecessary, I mean completely necessary to my understanding of you as a person.” Tony added as soon as one of Loki’s eyebrows shot up. He rarely witnessed Loki drinking alcohol, even an occasional glass of wine with dinner. Perhaps this was the reason. 

“Are you?”

“Am I what?” Tony asked distractedly. He was paying for their drinks and only half listening to Loki’s questions. 

“A fast drinker of cold. I know I see you drink at dinner, but wine isn’t a fast drink.”

“I am quite good at nursing drinks. I usually drink whiskey, because alcohol, and that isn’t a drink you down, unless you are 16 that is.”

He passed a cup to Loki and they headed deeper into the Christmas market. Despite the lack of snow and only relative cold, it was decorated like someone held an elf and made it vomit Christmas. In other words, it was done with the taste of a 7-year-old. A snowman here, a snowman there, tiny candy canes everywhere. There was even an elf village for children, since most things barely reached to Loki’s elbows, covered in artificial snow. 

“Can I just comment on the Christmas decorations?” Tony said. It wasn’t making him uncomfortable, even he decorated the house, but this was just too much. 

“Tacky?” Loki offered. 

“They are the worst! The three blind mice would have done a better job. Maybe they did do this job.” Tony was relieved that Loki felt the same, it confirmed that he wasn’t that much of a Grinch.

“The lights look nice, though.” Tony followed the direction Loki’s index finger pointed and saw a giant bauble made out of red and green lights with white detailing. 

“Oh that is nice.” Tony took a sip of his wine. It was very sweet, just how he liked it. 

Loki’s arm hurt from carrying the books. Why are cookbooks so heavy?

The air was cold and Loki could see Tony’s breath as he exhaled. He gave his boyfriend another kiss and the pair walked hand in hand around the village, until they finally gave up and went to Tony’s apartment. 

“I am so tired.” Said Tony. They were sitting on his criminally comfy sofa. Tony just made them some tea that was now cooling. Loki had no work in the morning, so he could stay and cuddle with his favourite person as long as he wished. He looked at him. 

“Does that mean I can choose a movie?” 

“Sure.” Tony replied. His eyes were closed, the fire was on, and his new advent calendar gifted him with 5 new candles that were now softly illuminating the room.   
Loki was planning a surprise Christmas attack on top of the one that he already executed. His very own scrooge was fighting to keep his eyes open and was therefore vulnerable, even seeing 10 minutes of a Christmas film was enough for now. He pretended to browse on Netflix and then typed in Family Stone. He he he, he thought.   
It worked, with the opening sound Tony leaned in on Loki and paid more attention to the film and less to napping. 

“Wait a second, this is a Christmas movie, not set at Christmas movie.” Tony pretended to be aghast after watching the first 10 minutes. “I have been conned.” 

“You made me watch Beetlejuice.” Loki said simply. 

“Yes, but you like Beetlejuice.” 

“Small detail.” 

“You already went gift shopping and then ice skating and had mulled wine. You’ve done 3 Christmas activities. May I remind you that that is in fact more than what I did. And with less complaining.” 

“You’re making too much sense, I can’t argue with you. That is unacceptable.” 

Loki made kissing sounds before actually kissing Tony’s head. 

“Watch it and don’t complain.” 

Tony made a disgruntled noise, but nevertheless continued watching. The movie was far too good for his liking.


	2. Ain't no party like a Christmas party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas! I hope you had a better one than Loki did. I know I did since I got a brand new coffee machine and can now have that sweet sweet coffee and it's all mine.

Tony crawled into his bed after a day full of people talking to him, not talking, but telling him what can and cannot be done, despite him saying that they needed to be done 7 times yesterday. He wouldn’t be surprised if Pepper called him one day and told him that she is never coming back to work and that this was just a test to see if she needed to hire another person. At least Loki’s ‘sneaky warfare’ was actually pretty pleasant. It involved a lot of surprises like spiked eggnog, very long kisses under the mistletoe, trying seasonal drinks at Starbucks and luckily for Tony, very few Christmas movies. It was a good time for his personal life, but not so much for his work life. That was a mess he didn’t want to even acknowledge. At least the holidays are starting tomorrow, he thought. I can just turn off my phone or pretend I am somewhere far away and the time distance would kill anyone calling, Tony thought happily and fell asleep without needing to set an alarm.

Loki just finished watching Brooklyn 99. Luna was sitting next to him occasionally licking herself, mostly happy that she no longer needed to be in that horrible Santa hat. No matter the likes, it was scratchy. 

“Look at that, Rosa is bi. Do you think she has a nice girlfriend or a super bad-ass one?” Loki looked at his sphynx cat. She couldn’t give less of a fuck. 

“I think she is nice too.” When will he tire of asking his cat questions? Never, probably.  
Loki was nervous, after months of hearing about Pepper, he was going to meet her for the first time. He hoped that he won’t make a fool of himself. A sure-fire way of making sure he probably would, Loki tried to relax and go to sleep, but nevertheless, kept waking up. The thought of meeting someone that could make or break their relationship was completely messing up Loki’s nerves. At least their present for her was quite incredible. The best part was that it had nothing to do with the baby and was 100% useful anyway. 

“You look like a man with no future.” Tony observed as Loki entered his car. The lack of sleep always showed on his face, even if he didn’t want it to. His face had a tell-tale puffiness to it, as well as some light dark circles that normally weren’t too visible. 

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“Pepper isn’t that scary.”

“You forget I saw her argue with you. It was a profound experience.” 

“Because you assumed I was the baby daddy?”

Loki glared at him. He wasn’t proud of his suspicions, especially since he was unnecessarily shady after them. At least it didn’t go too far. 

“I am glad you can joke about that.”

Tony smiled. “It was the conclusion equivalent of jumping from a building into a small glass.” 

Loki buried his face in his hands. This day only begun and it was already horribly embarrassing. Why did every Christmas happen like this? Everything else was great but then come Christmas eve and the right on time, his father was even more of a dick than usually. 

“You’re so cute.” 

“I feel like you have to do something stupid too, so we can both be equally embarrassed.” 

“You could just ask Pepper, I’m sure she knows every stupid thing I have ever done, including my attempted cooking last week.” 

Loki smiled at his boyfriend. He would hardly consider this stupid. More endearing, maybe concerning since Tony was abysmal at cooking. 

“Trying to make dinner for me isn’t exactly stupid.” 

“I forgot to put water in pasta. Fucking. Forgot. How do you forget that?” 

“Yeah, I got nothing.” 

“Remember we’re seeing my family today. Fingers crossed my dad won’t be there.”

“I remember your brother – the mountain of a man. And that we’re having dinner there, but this is the first time I’m hearing about your dad being excluded.” 

“My parents got a divorce ages ago. This year he has a new girlfriend – some young bimbo, no doubt, and whenever he gets a new bf, he whisks her away for some   
dream holiday. There is always a possibility they are taking it after Christmas.” Loki paused and relived a horrible memory of a drunk brunette at their Christmas dinner. 

“Something you want to share?” tony asked. 

“Drunk girls are both the best and the worst. She was more on the embarrassingly drunk side.”

“Drunk people on Christmas is something I am all too familiar with.” 

“Got some war stories there?”

“Are you really that nervous?” Tony observed. Not that Loki never asked questions, but he was nervously jittering his right leg and checked the phone every six seconds. 

“I get really nervous. Normally I hide it really well, but my last boyfriend was so horrible and this has been going so well and honestly, I feel like something has to go wrong. It just has to.” Loki gesticulated widely while talking and then leaned back in the seat. 

“Ok, one day we have to address the bad boyfriend, but so far you have nothing to worry about. Pepper is great, she does however, have a little too much on her plate right now. And by that I mean, she won’t be her usual perceptive Pepper. You will literally sneak under her radar. And if that is not enough for you, I am sure she will love you. You’re not blonde and don’t have that distinct aura of white trash about you.”

“Do you feel like you make a lot of regrettable decisions?” Loki asked genuinely concerned. 

“I think I am getting much better at them. Asking you out was a pretty damn good one.” Tony stopped in Pepper’s garage and after turning off the car, he leaned over to Loki’s side and kissed him sweetly. 

“C’mon, let’s eat the turtle.” He said.

The building where Pepper lived was fancier than Tony’s. There was much more attention to details and those were predominantly gold. Actually, they were gold plated, but also shiny enough to give even a passing stranger the idea of the money the inhabitants possessed. 

Inside her home, Pepper Potts was busy arranging the cookies she bought the night earlier into something that might be confused with actual come-baked and decorated cookies. She had no baking skills, but Tony never noticed that what she served could be found in any department store. Oh, well, it was too late now. She placed the last cookie in place as the bell rang. Pepper rushed to the door, horrified that Tony was on time, but also pleased since this meant her many many many pleas for punctuality were effective. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and hoped that she only imagined still having two curlers trapped in her hair. 

“Hello!” Pepper put extra effort into greeting Loki, knowing how important he was to her friend. She still remembered the conversation they had when he told her about having a boyfriend. Tony rarely had anything important to announce, she still remembered his job-seeking announcement from last year. Before that, there were no serious news from Tony. Ever. 

“Do come in, I am Pepper.” She shook Loki’s stretched hand with a firm grip. 

“You have a curler in your hair.” Tony said without greeting his very pregnant friend. He had no idea how she could even stand upright, she looked like she might be fall flat on her back if she ever tried to straighten her back. 

As Pepper rushed away to remove it, Tony teased her. “Ha, the mighty Pepper Potts looking less than perfect, sound the alarms Loki, you will never see this again.” 

“Oh, stick a bicycle up your ass.” She said and stuck out her tongue. Pepper’s insults were always quite imaginative. And completely unfeasible. 

Loki was still nervous, but was beginning to relax. Although, he wasn’t sure how Pepper’s beige apartment will survive a baby attack. On the other hand, Pepper seemed so well mannered, her baby would probably come out with better etiquette than an adult. 

Pepper returned sans curlers. Tony and Loki were already on the couch (at Tony’s insistence, Loki would be happy to stand until asked). 

“Can I get you two anything to drink?” 

“I’ll do it.” Tony immediately offered. “Lokes, what would you like?” He opened his mouth to answer, but Tony was quicker. “Don’t answer, I know just what to get for you.”

“Thank you, Tony.” Pepper was grateful and sat down. Now it was just her and Loki. The silence was horribly awkward. Loki could hear a distant clock ticking. It was that bad. He didn’t know what to ask and Pepper had a vague recollection of hearing about Loki before Tony announced him as his boyfriend. 

“I might be misremembering this, but you and Tony worked together and then decided to do some autumnal things together…” 

“More or less, yes. Tony really likes autumn and I have bad memories of the season. He thought that was unacceptable.” Loki internally cringed at the bad explanation. 

“Tony did always like pumpkin patches.” 

This was when the object of their conversation returned with a cup of tea for Pepper, and eggnog for Loki and himself. 

“Had fun gossiping?” 

“The best.” She answered. 

Loki gave him a smile. There was still plenty of opportunity to make a fool of himself. 

“Is your sister coming for the holidays?” Tony tried to get the conversation going. 

“I am going there later and spending the night. She promised a nice evening with minimal drama.” She turned to Loki. “That means, my mother is livid, but there will be food.” 

“You’re spending the evening with your family?” Pepper returned a question. 

“Yes, Tony and I are going there later. My mother and brother will be there. I think he is brining his girlfriend.” 

“That is nice, Tony usually spends his Christmas with my family. Good for him to have a change.” Pepper commented.

Loki turned to his boyfriend. “I doubt my family can offer any less drama. Last year my brother and I got into a fight.” 

Loki took a sip of his drink. It was very creamy and he loved it. “Broke my mother’s favourite vase.” 

Tony perked up. “I live for the drama. I am always the blameless victim.” 

“Please don’t make me battle my brother, he has muscles bigger than my head.” 

“What does he do?” Pepper asked. 

“He’s an accountant.” He saw the look on her face. “I know. It doesn’t go together.” 

“And your parents?”

“My mother is a supreme court judge and my father is a plastic surgeon. A strange pair, no wonder they are divorced.” Bam, there it is, you’ve over shared. A silence fell on the conversation. How do you continue after that, he thought? 

“No better than mine,” Pepper tried, “my parents were divorcing when my father had a heart attack in court.”

“I remember that.” Tony laughed. “You were traumatised for two weeks after that. You were sure your mother was a witch and caused him to die.” 

“My mother is a witch. Just last week an owl was in her house. It gave me the fright of my life and she just shrugged. It comes by sometime, she said.”   
The conversation cleared up after that. Loki could easily see why Tony adored Pepper, and in turn she saw how much Tony and Loki loved each other. There was an easiness in their relationship that she envied. They were friends first and lovers second. 

“I will send you that video, it is so funny.” Pepper said and closed the door. 

“That wasn’t so bad.” Loki remarked in the car. “Pepper is great.” 

“Yasss, my babies getting along.” Loki looked at his boyfriend and then erupted in laughter. “Ok, I’m 30, but I’ll be your baby.”

“Don’t shame me. It was a term of endearment.” 

“Alright, baby.” Loki mocked. 

“What do I call you that won’t give me this kind of treatment?” Tony asked. 

“I don’t know. I’ll let you know if it’s acceptable.” 

“Oh, how kind of you.” 

“I am the kindest person, Tony, you know it is my defining feature.” 

Tony laughed now. Loki was kind when the mood struck him, mostly he was lovingly bitter. Like the coffee he prepared every day. 

“Loki.” Tony said in a serious tone. 

“Yes, baby.” 

He shot him a glare. “First of all, how dare you.” The car came up to a red light giving Tony the opportunity to look at his beautiful boyfriend properly. “Secondly, I love you. You, asshole.” 

Loki snickered but kissed him. “I love you too. You’re the best thing that has happened to me.”

Tony blushed. “How dare you be this good at saying things like this.” He mumbled. 

“I have a very kind mother.” 

“You’re the best thing in my life too.” Tony tried to say seriously. He found it hard to say, but he felt it with every fibre of his being. 

“It’s a good thing it’s Christmas, I’m sure you can get arrested for being this mushy on other days.” 

“Asshole.” 

Loki kissed Tony’s shoulder and turned up the Christmas music. Joy to the world was playing, his favourite. They sang along merrily the rest of the way and arrived at Frigga’s house in a seriously cheerful mood. 

“Hello mum.” Loki hugged her extra tightly. “Did you get the presents we sent you?”

“I did, they are under the tree. Did you wrap them?” She asked Tony. 

“No.” Tony replied as Frigga hugged him. 

“They look much nicer than normally.” She leaned towards him, “This one is terrible at wrapping.” 

They came in. Thor was already in the living room. He was even larger than Tony remembered. His girlfriend seemed equally fit and radiated health from her body. How rude of her. 

“This is my other son, Thor.” Frigga introduced him. “And his girlfriend, Alicia.” She pronounced her name as Ah-lee-cee-yah.

“Odin has announced he will be stopping by with Chrystal. Whatever stopping by means.” Tony could see exactly where Loki’s incredible eye roll came from. 

“Do you need any help?” Tony asked.

“Yes! You and Loki will help in the kitchen and Thor can set the table and tidy up the house.” She glared at her muscular son who despite all his weight could not escape her motherly authority. 

Tony was very inept when it came to peeling potatoes. Too much take out and too much fondness for ramen and any form of rice. At least that’s what he was telling himself. 

“Maybe you will be done by Easter.” Loki teased him. 

“Do you know when I last peeled potatoes? Because I don’t.” 

“The poor life of an orphan.” Tony fake gasped at Loki’s response. 

“How dare you?” 

“I am merely stating facts.” 

Frigga ran by checking on various pots and pans, all filled with boiling liquids and vegetables. They had one hour until the official commencement of the Christmas dinner. 

She sighed and started helping Tony peel. “Are my peeling skills really that bad?”

“Not bad, just slow.” 

Together they peeled the potatoes in record time. Those were immediately replaced with potato mashers and a bowl. This was more like something Tony could do. hand work was his forte, although he preferred precision to speed, which is perhaps why he was so lousy at peeling. 

The bell rang. The look on Frigga’s and Loki’s face was enough to make Tony’s blood run cold. He guessed the visitor was not too welcome here. Frigga went to open   
the door. Tony could hear muted conversation. Loki’s eyes were fixed on the gooey mess that was forming in the bowl. 

“I guess I’m meeting your dad.”

“He’s not my father.” Loki stated coldly. 

“Well, this will be fun.” 

“Your father’s girlfriend just chugged a glass of champagne.” Frigga commented as she re-entered the kitchen. “Clearly she is a very classy female.” 

“Only the highest quality prostitutes for Odin.” His mother laughed. 

“Maybe she will be lovely drunk. The last girl did a very good job braiding my hair.” 

Tony snickered. Together they finished preparing food, with occasional interruptions by Thor who needed a break from his father. His actual father. At least Loki had the privilege to distance himself from his adoptive father, Tony thought. 

Loki nudged his pensive boyfriend. “We can sit down now.” He led him to the dining room that was even more fiercely decorated. Granted, Tony only saw a bit of the living room and the kitchen, but both of those rooms were decorated. There was a huge XMAS light up sign, another Christmas tree and decorative mini wreaths.   
Thor and Alicia were already sitting, as was a fiercely looking grey-haired man in a turtleneck. He nodded at Loki and Tony. Next to him was a well-dressed blonde. She could have easily blended in, had she not had 4 glasses of champagne already and was nearly drunk. At least she was a joyful drunk, Loki thought, he couldn’t imagine cheering up a drunk 20-year-old at Christmas. 

“You must be Loki!” She exclaimed and nearly overturned the table trying to hug him. Thor and Alicia rushed to save the tableware. The blonde was unbothered by the commotion she caused. “You look so much prettier than Odin described you.” She did get her hug, although Loki made every effort to escape her. 

“And I think your last boyfriend was a total dick.” Loki had no idea how come she knew that. Odin must love sharing his misery. 

“That is awfully kind of you.” He was so glad that his poker face has been perfected over the years of coffee serving because his mother gestured he was the lucky person who needed to sit next to little miss chatterbox. 

“Is this your boooooooi-friennnnnnnd?” She asked with the intensity of an 11-year-old. 

“Yes, this is my boyfriend. Tony, unnamed blonde. Unnamed blonde, Tony.” He introduced them to each other. 

She shook Tony’s hand. “You’re so funny.” She laughed. “I’m Amber.” 

“What do you do Amber?” Tony asked hoping she will stop flirting with his boyfriend. 

“I am a postgrad. psychology. Getting that degree so I can overcharge people.” 

Frigga came into the room carrying the turkey. There was a brief moment of awkwardness as Odin tried to take the helm and carve the bird. However, Frigga shot him such a devastating look that he fell back into his chair. It was up to Thor to distribute the food. 

“Tony what vegetable do you want?” He asked – the second thing he said to him today. He understood meeting people was awkward, but small talk would be appreciated. 

“A bit of everything.” 

“Loki, same as always?” He then asked. 

Then the shit hit the fan. Just as Loki said yes, Odin decided to be snarky. “What a surprise. You never do anything.”   
Amber gasped and then fainted, Alicia tried to make herself invisible by placing a hand in front of her face and Frigga grabbed the knife from Thor’s hand and slammed it into Odin’s hand resting on the cutlery, nailing him to the table. 

She began shouting: “That’s for being such a gigantic asshole all the time. I’ve seen a woman get gang banged by 7 men and the same time and her asshole was smaller than you and it was this big.” Frigga showed an unreasonably large circle and moved to grab another knife but was stopped by Thor.

“Enough, mother give me the knife.” 

“NO, I SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS MUCH SOONER.” 

“Mum, STOP.” Now Loki joined in the shouting. Let’s not forget that Odin was probably in pain too, but no one cared how he felt. He was the dark shadow over the family and his reign was finally over. 

“Give me the knife.” Thor gave it to him unaware what his sibling had planned. 

“I should stab him.” 

“LOKI NO.” And lo, behold, Odin’s other hand was now dripping blood since he couldn’t avoid Loki’s aim. The knife was firmly lodged in his palm and Tony could see the bloody tip. 

“Should I call 911?” He asked in a small voice. Never in a million years did he expect this to happen. Passive aggressive comments, absolutely, but physical violence was next level Christmas argument. 

“Please do.” someone answered calmly. So, Tony dialled them with an amount of level-headedness he never expected to have. Once both Odin’s hands were pierced Frigga was satisfied and sat down. They waited in silence for the ambulance. Neither her nor Loki looked particularly traumatised at the stabbing. Even Thor looked merely disappointed. 

“Let me get this straight” The police began recounting Odin’s tale at the hospital after he was patched up.

“You were carving the bird and your girlfriend bumped her hand into yours with enough force that you nailed yourself to the table and then the other knife leapt through the air and miraculously landed inside of your other hand?” 

“It was a marvel to see.” Frigga joined in. “I thought things like that only happened in films.” Tony thought how good she was at this with little irony. If he ever killed someone, he would call her first and Loki second. 

The police officer turned to Amber. “Did you see what happened?” He asked her.

“I was refilling my glass and then I fainted when I saw blood.” Her head felt tingly from the alcohol. 

He sighed and closed his pad. “Thank you for your answers.” He turned to Frigga who was standing next to Odin, looking the picture of familial accord. “I’ll send you the transcript later in the week.” And left. 

Tony looked at Loki who was sitting sadly in the corner. Did he really just stab his father? Obviously, since he saw him do it, but it was still hard to grasp for Tony. 

What a stone-cold bitch, Tony thought. This one is a keeper.


End file.
